Remember That One Time? Theater
by fmapreshwab
Summary: The lost stories of Atlantis.


Hello, and welcome back to 'Remember that One Time…' Theater. For those of you just tuning in, my name is Maurice, and I will be your narrator. Thank you for joining us. Now, remember that one time when Rodney went back in time to narrowly avert disaster and play a few pranks on himself?

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The call rang out like a shot in the night. "Unscheduled gate activation," the technichan on duty announced. She ran the stretch from her office to the control tower as she had so many times before, heart thudding in her ears. "I'm receiving and IDC," the tech, a German whose name she couldn't remember, informed her as she entered the room. "It's Dr. McKay."

"The major's team isn't due back for hours," she mused. "Drop the shield," she ordered the man. She walked out onto the balcony overlooking the gate room and watched, as always, in awe as the wormhole flickered to life and a figure stepped out. The man that gazed up at her appraisingly was in his late 30s, but worn, so he looked much older.

"Elizabeth," he called up to her, relief flooding a voice that couldn't possibly be his own.

"Rodney?" The disbelief in her voice pierced him and his face fell.

"Is John around?" he asked, almost forlorn.

"No, he's off world," she said hesitantly, walking down the steps to the floor even as the wormhole winked out of existence. After a moment, she resolutely added, "With you."

"Ah," he nodded lightly. "Well then…" he trailed off. "You see, there are a few things you need to know, but I don't really want to make the speech twice, so would you mind terribly waiting a bit? It's kind of important to, well, I'm trying to help, let's just leave it at that."

"Unscheduled gate activation," the tech shouted down again.

"Friends of yours?" she asked him, sighing at the headache she felt building slowly behind her eyes.

"Not me," he said, holding his hands up in defense.

"It's the major's IDC."

"Major," Rodney muttered with a slight grin. "Perfect."

The wormhole again flashed blue through the room, and John's voice was in her ear. "Atlantis, be advised, we're coming in hot!"

The words were barely out when masses of energy began flashing into existence around them. Rodney grabbed Elizabeth and threw her to the ground, covering her from the explosion of soil and greenery that erupted as a stunner blast hit one of the potted plants adorning the gate room. There were four distinct thuds and the sound of the wormhole closing before Rodney stood and offered her his hand.

"Sorry about that," John called from across the large room, his back to the rest of them. He turned to an odd scene filling the room. Rodney, with Teyla and Ford on either side, stood staring at Rodney, dusting what looked like potting soil off his battered uniform. "Huh."

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"So what do we think here?" John asked, looking around the conference room at all the important members of the expedition. There was Elizabeth, John's team, Peter Grodin and Radek. Carson was in the medical lab running a DNA test on the 'new Rodney'.

"I think we should throw him out on his ass and get on with our lives," Rodney, old Rodney, their Rodney... just plain Rodney spat bitterly.

"What if he really is who he says he is? What if he's trying to help us?" Radek asked tentatively in his heavy accent, looking sidelong at the fuming physicist.

"Can we prove it either way?" Ford asked, trying desperately to keep the tensions in the room from coming to a head.

It was obvious that Rodney was angry. He considered it an insult that they were even having this meeting. Some of the others, Radek and Peter among them, believed it was possible that Rodney had come back to avert some grand disaster. The others were open to the idea mainly because they were afraid. Afraid that if they ignored the warning, something terrible would happen. This was home now, to all of them, and they just couldn't take the risk.

"I think there is. If he's really Rodney, he's bound to know a few things about us, right?" Peter started, encouragingly.

"And when he can't tell you a damned thing, we'll get rid of him, right?" Rodney asked, displaying a level of impatience that surpassed even his own normal mode of operation.

"Let's just see if we can't get some answers, Rodney," Elizabeth said, trying to soothe his frazzled nerves.

"Oh, you're just on his side because he saved you from death by potted plant."

-----

"We'd like to ask you a few questions," Elizabeth started, entering the infirmary.

"To what end?"

"To prove you aren't who you say you are, to the eventual extent of throwing you out on your ass." Rodney glared at the older new version of himself sitting on the medical bed.

"God, was I always this annoying?" the man asked, turning to John, who grinned fiercely, but said nothing. "Well, if it's the only way I can prove who I am, positive DNA results notwithstanding, then shoot."

"What happened on M1K-439?" John started.

"It's been a few years; you'll have to help me out a bit," the old man said, scrunching up his face in an attempt to clear away the cobwebs. Just goes to show how much a few years can affect a man.

"Hah, I knew it." Rodney was warming up for an 'I told you so,' when the object of the query snapped and his face cleared.

"Wait, M1K-439…the one with all the waterfalls?" He turned quickly to Ford. "If you call it planet waterfall, I will smack you." Satisfied that his threat had hit as the young man's surprise shown through, he turned back to his inquisitioners. "As far as what happened…I think I fell in a lake."

"And why did you fall in the lake?" John asked in a tone that said he already knew, but he'd love to hear it out loud anyway. It's the sort of tone a parent uses when asking for a rote response.

Old New Rodney sighed. He started, beleaguered, "Because I got too close, even though you kept telling me not too, and the ground around the water gave out." His tone changed as he chased the memory down. "And I caught a cold, and I…cursed Carson and voodoo nonscience for not being able to cure me."

John shrugged. "Sounds about right to me."

"Oh, come on, he could've gotten that information anywhere!" Rodney shouted, dismayed at the imposter's accuracy.

It was Ford's turn. "Well, what about that time on PX—"

But the older Rodney cut him off. "You know what, if we're really going to do this, let's toss out all this halfway crap. Elizabeth," he started, turning on her fiercely. "The first time you met Simon he sent you to the hospital with a bad allergic reaction to some flowers he was carrying. Flowers, incidentally, that were for another girl. He ditched his date to stay with you, and he dumped her the next day. You really thought he was the one." He turned as he spoke to the subject of his next barrage of facts before the last of what he'd said could really hit home. He always hated seeing her face fall like that. "John, you are the craziest man I've ever met. I mean, really, no contest. You decided you wanted to be a pilot when you were sixteen. You were watching 'Tora! Tora! Tora!' in your history class, and when all the planes in Pearl Harbor started exploding, you knew that was what you wanted to do. And that's just the kind of story that couldn't be about anyone who wasn't John Sheppard. I swear, there must be a gene that fuels all these self-destructive tendencies of yours. Ford, you're afraid of nuns. Nuns, for god's sake! Anybody else? Is Peter still around? Hm? He was a vegetarian for two years when he was a teenager. How about Carson? Did you know his first job was working in a kitchen? I always thought that was a weird way for a doctor to get his start. It was a hospital's kitchen, though, so I guess it's not as odd as it sounds. Radek, still have your doubts? Teyla? Come on, guys, I've got stories like this for all of you."

Rodney stepped up. "What about me? Got any fun stories you wanna share about me?"

"None of the big ones have happened yet, all the nice swirly guilt you'll never quite get over, but a few of good ones do come to mind. You like to watch Jimmy Neutron to mock the science, which really just speaks volumes about your social life. You don't know what a colander is. Neither do I for that matter, because, and this is a big one, if you don't know something, nine point nine nine nine times out of ten it's because you don't care. Oh, and my personal favorite. Where's Radek, I think he should be here for this. Ah, there you are," he said, gesturing to the Czech in the back of the room. "Come here, you'll get a great kick out of this one. You," he said, returning to his 'I know everything' tone and turning back to his younger self, "would never, ever admit this to anyone, but you could never do what you do around here without Radek, and you know it. Every time you mock him, every time you gloat about saving the city, every time you hold some little thing over his head because you're so much smarter than he is, the only thing you can think of is how you should really be thanking him, but your pride, that damned giant ego of yours, always seems to get in the way. Your talking down to him is just your way of telling him how much you care. Oh, and you don't know it yet, but you're gay." He grinned, knowing he'd hit his mark when the younger him cocked his head to the side and gave him his best 'What the hell?' look, where one eye squints and his mouth hangs open. The poor kid's face started turning red. He giggled monstrously. "Heh, just kidding. I'm 90 percent sure that won't get old anytime soon. Now, if we're done, I've got more important things to tell you all about."


End file.
